Close your eyes. Picture a beach. You’re probably seeing the light golden sand and the waves rippling, children making sandcastles, kites flying. You can most likely also picture your childhood home, a loved one’s face, your bedroom. It just comes to you as if you’re staring at a photograph or as if you’re actually there looking at the scene. At least that’s what I’ve been told.
When I close my eyes, all I see is darkness. And for the first 23 years of my life, I thought that’s just how everyones mind worked. I wasn’t aware that most people can visualize nearly anything they want to. I have always had a hard time describing things and my husband used to get so frustrated with me. He thought I just didn’t care enough to pay attention to anything. One night he got sucked into a video spiral on YouTube (You know what I mean. Pretty soon you’re 15 videos in and not even on a topic similar to your original search.) and he came across a video on Aphantasia and thought, hey, that kinda sounds like my wife. So he asked me to watch the video.
After watching the video I was flooded with several emotions, mostly confusion. I had no idea that people could actually visualize images in their head. Suddenly, I thought of everytime that I had previously heard someone say “picture this”.I had not realized they were actually seeing that image/situation play out in their head. I thought it was just a figure of speech. I mean, I can’t visualize a darn thing no matter how much I try to concentrate.
I was very frustrated with the whole thing. I felt like I was broken, and thought I was missing out on a huge part of life. Especially after I questioned some of my co-workers, friends and family about it. They could all visualize whatever I asked them to, just like that. The more research I did, the more strange I felt. It’s considered a rare condition with only between 1-3% of people being affected. It was really hard for me to process that I was different, that my mind didn’t function like others. And I’ve realized that’s behind a lot of different things I do that other people might consider annoying.
For example, I am constantly taking photographs. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told to “just live in the moment”, or “put your phone down, you don’t want to look back on this moment and realize you were staring at a screen”. What those people do not realize is that if I don’t capture the moment in a photograph, I won’t be able to look back and reminisce. I can still remember and describe items that I own or have owned and places that I’ve been, how I felt at the time. I just can’t visualize the memories. Sure, I might not remember every detail, but I can remember enough to give you the gist of what I’m talking about. And I think that is the most difficult thing for people to understand. When I’m describing something, it’s not coming from an image that I am seeing in my head. It’s features that I can remember or that I have memorized about that particular item, person or place. I remember the idea of it.
Another example: I am an avid reader. I love love love books. I didn’t realize when most people read they have a movie playing out in their head, until talking to several of my friends who love reading as well. Then it started to make sense how people would get so upset when movie adaptations were made and the characters didn’t look they way they thought they would. Or they imagined certain parts of the movie a different way based on what played out in their head. I have to admit I was a little jealous that they have an entire production going on upstairs and me….nothing.
It’s been 6 years since I’ve learned I have Aphantasia, and I have to admit, I still struggle with it sometimes. I just try to remember; I was getting by just fine before I learned of it and that’s not going to change now. This condition does not and will not change who I am as a person, unless I let it. So yes, I am different, and I’m going to live my life to the fullest and take every photograph that I can along the way. 🙂
Just Your Average Human 
2 responses to “Living with Aphantasia”
I’m 73, and I was well into my 60s before I discovered I have aphantasia. I had just assumed that others were better at remembering details than I was, never realising that they could actually recall/create visual images in their mind. I don’t know if they are related, but I also have prosopagnosia (face blindness) to such a degree, that I can’t recognise friends, family, even the wife, in out of context settings. For example, if I thought the wife was at home, and I passed her in the street, I would not recognise her unless she spoke to me.
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I also am a bit long in the tooth and just found out about this condition yesterday. Had you told me before then that you see images in your mind I would have said you have schizo affective disorder. At 72 I have found I am the oddball. It does not upset me as I have managed just fine all these years but it does answer so many questions. I have always said I only remember bits and pieces of my childhood and only as snap shots. I confess I have always wondered if something traumatic happened to me as a child, but now I know this for me is normal. It actually is a bit of a comfort to have an answer. I would like to ask a question. My niece, her daughter and myself all have the same condition. As we have been exploring this we also discovered all three of us get dizzy when we close our eyes in the shower. I am wondering if this is somehow connected to Aphantasia? Been doing a lot of research but there is not a lot of information out there. I also wonder if the percentage of affected people might not be a lot higher since there is so little research.
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